he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
