My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
