On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
