does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
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The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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