every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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