Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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