I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
