You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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