Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
