everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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