I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
