a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
