It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
