He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
