her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
