Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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