Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
