oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
