you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
