My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
