How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
