I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
