So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
