so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
