I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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