my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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