We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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