There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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