Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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