That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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