so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
