you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
