Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
you will always have a special place in my vag
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
