I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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