"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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