Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Randomize
