Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
