So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
