Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
