i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
