things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
