I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
