Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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