My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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