Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It's never too late to be topless.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
