it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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