I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
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He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
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Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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