I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
