real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
