Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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