just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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