my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
