i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
