I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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