goodnight i made you a song goodbye
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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