why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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