Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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