Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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